Jay has been this way ever since he can remember. His biological sex is a girl, but his gender identity is a boy. Jay recounts his family noticing that he was not like a “normal girl.” But being an only child, he tried to change himself back to “normality,” a rigid gender binary norm defined by society.
“I used to hate myself. This is what happens with many LGBTI persons since society tells us we’re abnormal. I struggled from elementary to secondary school, especially during those secondary school years. I didn’t know how to act. I had only one tomboy friend at school and this one also had issues with themself and their family. I rarely had any support system, there were just the two of us. Back at home, I was questioned why I didn’t like wearing a skirt and only wore it to school.”
Once Jay grew up, he moved from Chonburi to Bangkok to attend Chulalongkorn University. Being away from home granted him the freedom to be himself. “There was more freedom once I became a university student but I was still restricted by the gendered uniform since my university was somehow traditional. But it was nice getting out of my parents’ radar. Once I began working at the United Nations, I’ve been free to dress as I’d like and no one cares. They only care about the work I can deliver. I’ve been happy ever since, I can be myself, in my own gender identity. Now there’s not much to worry about.”
“I no longer have that self-hatred, now I fully accept myself as who I am. There’s a study by UNDP saying that LGBTI persons from the age of 10 to early 20s face the hardest challenges in terms of their mental health, the bullying at school, the rejection from people around them and family members, all affects their mental well-being. But once you become an adult, the bullying becomes more subtle, no one is calling you names, and you learn how to deal with it.”
And Jay has some words of encouragement for LGBTI youths, “be yourself, don’t try to change to fit into social norms. At this point in life, you may think it’s hard but from my experience, when time passes, you’ll know it’s not the end of the world. Be yourself, don’t hide who you are, don’t hate yourself, this is better for your mental well-being. When you look back, you’ll thank yourself that you respected who you are and live your life the way you want to. At the end of the day, your life is yours. Parents often think they want the best for us, but that’s what they think is best, which they were taught in their generation. It’s different for our generation, we can listen to them, but no one knows it better than we do ourselves.”
Jay also has some words of wisdom for parents with LGBTI kids, “I want people to see boys and girls as children, and not focus on their biological sex. We don’t have to raise boys to be leaders, to be loud, to play sports, and to act according to gender norms. We don’t have to raise girls to cook, to only do housework. If we raise boys and girls the same way, that can help reduce gender-based discrimination and stigmatisation.”
When asked about his future family planning, Jay plans to live by the happy solitude philosophy which sees living alone as a form of family. He only wishes that society will not stigmatise anyone and understand that when it comes to ways of life, to each their own. “At this point in my life, I think a relationship comes with expectation, disappointment, and uncertainty. Some lucky people may find the ones they want to spend their lives with, but for me I haven’t found one. And once you’ve already been through a few relationships, you do not expect to find the one and stop trying to. It’d still be nice to find that person but I think I’ll just let my finances take care of me when I’m old. Now I’ll just work, save up, and take care of my health.”
Jay’s future family includes his friends, “I talked to my tomboy friends and said that we should live together in old age, or at least live nearby, in the same community, the same neighbourhood, so we can spend time with each other. I once saw a group of elders going on a trip together, playing chess, and walking in a public park. I see that picture for me and my friends in the future,” says Jay. He defines family as those who make him feel at home and at peace, love and unconditionally accept who he is.
Somehow his simple, unambitious family picture seems like a challenge, “city planning can be an obstacle to get together with friends once I’m old. Even now it’s difficult to travel around,” Jay says.
As a UNDP officer, Jay mentions that he supports every law and policy that protects and promotes rights of everyone, regardless of gender and sexuality. He emphasises that the ‘happy solitude’ way of life should be respected.
“Happy solitude is a form of family. Some still think that people aren’t single by choice and that the life goal is to get married. But it’s not always so, especially in this day and age. There is nothing wrong with being single. I want people to see that singles are happy by choice. Even though this cisheteronormative society expects people to get married, I want to emphasise that happiness is by choice, and to each their own,” Jay says.