As a queer who grew up in a traditional Thai nuclear family, Cupcake believes that family is not confined within bloodline. Family means a safe space where we can be our authentic selves, and in the meantime, it is where we make others feel respected and secured that we are the safe space for them.
“Sometimes a traditional family feels like a prison of thought that when we are related by blood, we have to act a certain way, and our power in the family depends on our position. I think it creates a twisted relationship in the family, and I feel trapped. What we call a bond, I don’t even know if it’s something real or it’s just because we’re trapped. I think the relationship among the older members of my family looks something like this,” Cupcake recounts.
Growing up in a traditional family, Cupcake has a different idea of what family means, “I grew up in a house where everyone adheres to family gratitude in which parents have the same status as monks who can do no no wrong and cannot be wronged. That’s toxic. In the future, with my own family, I want the relationship to be rooted in love, understanding, kindness, and the resolution that we’re not going to hurt one another. We’re not going to create a condition that you have to do this and that or else I’m not giving you love. We’re not going to be hurtful, our relationship will be democratic, without hierarchy and without authority.”
“It will pass. I used to like girls too, it’s just a phase,” is what Cupcake’s mother said when they came out as a lesbian. There was no talk after that. But Cupcake says it seems like their mother came to her own realisation and has never said anything hurtful after that, but did not show support either. Cupcake has other things they have not said, “I haven’t told my family that I’m non-binary and masculine-leaning. Since I was young my mum often opposed my masculine presentation, she didn’t like me wearing a suit and loved to see me wearing a skirt or something in pink. I’m also not in a position where I can move out, so for now I’m a closeted non-binary.”
On the other hand, support that Cupcake has in life often comes from their chosen family, “I see my friends as the most important support system in life. I don’t even think about having a partner, I don’t think that’s the end goal of a queer relationship. I see a partner as an extension of a friend, a partner has to also be a friend. Friendship is the root of my being, the emotional support and emotional development I have had are from my friends. I have my lesbian friends who are one of the first people who showed me that it’s alright to be patient with yourself, it’s also to get to know yourself little by little,” Cupcake says.
When asked about their experience as a queer child, Cupcake has some words of wisdom and support, “myself right now and myself when I was younger are not that different in the way that the pain of knowing that I cannot be closely aligned with my family, is still there. For those who are struggling, I’d like to say that if you’ve been struggling with this feeling, it’s only normal. It may be something that we have to be with our entire life. People say it’s the emotional baggage, but baggage means that we can put it down. This is something inside us and we cannot take it out, we can only stop it from expanding. Some say they’re tired of this feeling but I want to say that a lot of people share this feeling, the adults too. I’m nearly thirty and want to tell you that you’re not alone in this struggle.
To live fully as yourself, to hold on to who you are, is to learn to disappoint others. And it is to learn that such disappointment is not something you are responsible for. The only thing you are responsible for is to live well as who you are. I don’t want to say that you need to fight on, because everyone does but I want to say that you can be patient with yourself. Patience is a gift you can give to yourself since this is a long fight. We may have to fight our entire life.”
About their future family, Cupcake says that queer future is not necessarily tied to reproductivity, “as a queer person, future is plural, it is to go far beyond the current reality of what has to be, the future is limitless and diverse among the queers.” For Cupcake they want to “live with my friends until I grow old. I’d like to live in a community like a shared house or apartment, wake up and check on my friends whether they’re still alive [laugh]. There’s nothing else I want more.”
Pets are also in their equation. “My definition of a family is without hierarchy so pets are a part of the family. I never see pets as only animals, they’re my companions. If I have pets and I die before them, this is where the community comes in. If we live separately from others, there’s no one to help, no one to take care of each other’s personal stories.”
Cupcake thinks that queer elders should live in a community, not only because of loneliness but because they understand each other. “The elderly often have dementia which plays with your memories. For queers, the childhood memories when we’re beaten up because of our sexualities can resurface. So it’s important to live with someone who can understand us. But right now we don’t have enough information about queer elders, where they live, and how we can help them,” Cupcake remarks.
But if the government wants to take care of LGBTI community, the state has to be sensitive, “once queers and trans people’s information becomes state information, when we have to register with government, some are wary of state surveillance. It is like you come out to the state and give up your information to them. Especially for queers who live under an authoritarian state, it’s like the government can use your information to harm you,” Cupcake says, and also emphasises that the government has to acknowledge this existing tension before creating a policy related to LGBTI community.
They say that it is important to see from another lens, to see from a queer lens when analysing a policy, “ you can start with seeing inequality through queer eyes. When you think about, say, homelessness, I’d like policymakers to recognise homeless queers and dimensions that lead to their homelessness and vulnerabilities.”
“When we talk about queer people, we often talk about the pain, another thing we should talk about is the joy of being queer which is fundamental to queer life. We should talk about this, which is the root of our chosen family,” says Cupcake.